By: Anita
Those dreams
They tasted good
Until you come back you fucking whore
It's just another horny Sunday
Sep 17, 2011
Aug 10, 2011
DIRTY MOUTH
By: Anita
I'm so pretty I should marry at Westminister Abbey
Much prettier than Catherine
I'm so young I should wear royal white
Much younger than Catherine
Then why did she end up with prince?
And why is so that I always fall for jerkoffs?
Must be my bad manners
Probably also my lack of empathy
And definitely my no sense of morals
I'm so pretty I should marry at Westminister Abbey
Much prettier than Catherine
I'm so young I should wear royal white
Much younger than Catherine
Then why did she end up with prince?
And why is so that I always fall for jerkoffs?
Must be my bad manners
Probably also my lack of empathy
And definitely my no sense of morals
Jul 26, 2011
NO.26052011
By: Anita
My relationship with sleep is not simple. Never was, never will be. There have been times when I have spent weeks without sleeping and even forgot that humans need such thing like sleep in order to stay alive. There have been times when I sleep for days and still feel so tired as if I could sleep until I sleep forever. But now I never sleep. The last time when I willingly closed my eyes to enter the dreamland was 26 of May 2011, exactly two months ago. I am tired. I am weak. I am sick. I am a shadow. But I can not afford to go to sleep. Awful things I see then. Awful things happen. Even the memories of former self has faded. Only the writings give me the picture who I used to be, kind of a broken one, but still. I started to see the most evil dreams that even a demon could not create those. Whenever I closed my eyes in bed I saw the pure evil which was brought alive by me. But I could never do anything like that. I could never harm in such way. I am not the devil. My mind is not even capable to produce such images. Who puts those awful things in my head when I happen to fall asleep? I am tired of this. I feel quilty. So quilty. Because the things which I see happen to come alive. At first I thought it was coincidence but after some time I knew it was not. I started to blame myself. I started to think that I was behind of those awful things. I believed that whenever I closed my eyes and which I thought to be dreams at first, I actually made those evil things while being asleep. That is why I never sleep anymore. But sometimes I am so tired. So tired. Like now. So weak. Sometimes my eyes just close, not willingly. For a half hour, sometimes even for a full hour. And then I wake up because of the things which I have seen while being in dreamland. So vivid. So pure. So true. So evil. I do not read news anymore, I do not gather the information from the outside. I do not want to know that the things which I see in my head come alive. I do not want to feel quilty but that is how I feel. Whenever I walk outside I feel, I see, I know that everyone are judging me. The skinny girl who sells fat free yogurth. The guy who brings the post, probably a pervert. The old ladys in pastel colors who sit on a fence. The young androgynous guys who smoke cigarettes all day long not knowing that it will rot their beautiful teeth. People who love me are judging me. Total strangers are judging me. Even the things which are not alive are judging. The old house with broken mirrors. The rode which I have walked more than a thousand times before. The sky which is never as clear as it used to be when we were children. Everyone and everything are judging me. They wish I could go away and never return. They wish I could just disappear.
My relationship with sleep is not simple. Never was, never will be. There have been times when I have spent weeks without sleeping and even forgot that humans need such thing like sleep in order to stay alive. There have been times when I sleep for days and still feel so tired as if I could sleep until I sleep forever. But now I never sleep. The last time when I willingly closed my eyes to enter the dreamland was 26 of May 2011, exactly two months ago. I am tired. I am weak. I am sick. I am a shadow. But I can not afford to go to sleep. Awful things I see then. Awful things happen. Even the memories of former self has faded. Only the writings give me the picture who I used to be, kind of a broken one, but still. I started to see the most evil dreams that even a demon could not create those. Whenever I closed my eyes in bed I saw the pure evil which was brought alive by me. But I could never do anything like that. I could never harm in such way. I am not the devil. My mind is not even capable to produce such images. Who puts those awful things in my head when I happen to fall asleep? I am tired of this. I feel quilty. So quilty. Because the things which I see happen to come alive. At first I thought it was coincidence but after some time I knew it was not. I started to blame myself. I started to think that I was behind of those awful things. I believed that whenever I closed my eyes and which I thought to be dreams at first, I actually made those evil things while being asleep. That is why I never sleep anymore. But sometimes I am so tired. So tired. Like now. So weak. Sometimes my eyes just close, not willingly. For a half hour, sometimes even for a full hour. And then I wake up because of the things which I have seen while being in dreamland. So vivid. So pure. So true. So evil. I do not read news anymore, I do not gather the information from the outside. I do not want to know that the things which I see in my head come alive. I do not want to feel quilty but that is how I feel. Whenever I walk outside I feel, I see, I know that everyone are judging me. The skinny girl who sells fat free yogurth. The guy who brings the post, probably a pervert. The old ladys in pastel colors who sit on a fence. The young androgynous guys who smoke cigarettes all day long not knowing that it will rot their beautiful teeth. People who love me are judging me. Total strangers are judging me. Even the things which are not alive are judging. The old house with broken mirrors. The rode which I have walked more than a thousand times before. The sky which is never as clear as it used to be when we were children. Everyone and everything are judging me. They wish I could go away and never return. They wish I could just disappear.
May 26, 2010
May 24, 2010
Rain.
From time to time I like to imagine killing myself. Going through all the little details in my head. Coldness of the water in bath where I wash myself pure for the last time. Letters to my loved ones where my written words make sure that they won't feel guilty nor angry. Placebo - My Sweet Prince would be on repeat. Wine and tablets. Beautiful long black dress covering my fragile body. Curly hair and blood red lips. How divine!
I decided not to cry until I meet the love of my life. And that means a very long time.
May 23, 2010
UNPUBLISHED.
Writings which I never posted but which are saved as a draft.
26.12.2008
I want to fall in love. Completely.
24.02.2009
26.04.2009
There are reasons why you shouldn't love anybody except yourself.
23.07.2009
She was the brightest star in my depressive sky. She appeared quickly from nowhere and disappeared even quicker. I don't even know her real name. "You're so beautiful. What's your name?" "Names are boring. Just call me Yasmine." I was in love with her truly.
02.08.2009
7 deadly sins. Lust - I think that there's nothing wrong when I lust over many men and many women at the same time. Gluttony - I used to eat too much like when I was 8. But that's the past. Now I drink too much and I am fine with that.
10.08.2009
We might be moving back to Finland. I'm so happy. Nothing keeps me in France and my heart is in Finland. For what it's worth. Got no friends, got now lover.
02.09.2009
You're still here
Every time I close my eyes
07.09.2009
I fall in love easily. Yesterday I fell for the guy who was sitting next to me at metro station. He had bright blue eyes and auburn hair. He smelled nice. He told me I was beautiful.
04.10.2009
Hate me
Never leave me
On the next day
You can do whatever you want
But today
Never leave me
I can't cut
You always
Come and go
Never leave me
Today
But tomorrow is not important
Help me to dance through
All this surreality of pain
It's all wrong if you leave today
Tomorrow is not important
Just stay for today
Cause it's real and I'm in pain
All I need
Is everything you can't give
Just fake it for better today
There's no tomorrow anyway
12.10.2009
Moody, confident.
17.10.2009
When I'm writing about you I like to think that I am just a beautiful writer who's writing a story which she hasn't been through herself. She's putting everything down in details but still keeping safe distance. I do this because I'm in pain every time I think about you. I regret that I have been through you.
27.11.2009
And I'm falling for you from the sky
Oh why you don't hide
Play those everlasting games
11.12.2009
Honestly, what's your biggest fear? My biggest fear is getting old.
25.01.2010
Every end is a new beginning. I can't put up with life anymore.
23.02.2010
I strongly say that this novel is not about me. This is about young Anita. Someone who I used to be.
02.05.2010
What I adore about Sergey Zverev: You know that older men are my thing and he is 46 years old. He is perfection from head to toe. He is really wealthy. What I dislike about Sergey Zverev: I have heard that he likes chubby/curvy women. His skinny ex-girlfriend said that Sergey told her many times to gain weight. I would never do something like that. Except if my blond haired blue eyed boy would ask me that. But he would never because he just doesn't care.
26.12.2008
I want to fall in love. Completely.
24.02.2009
26.04.2009
There are reasons why you shouldn't love anybody except yourself.
23.07.2009
She was the brightest star in my depressive sky. She appeared quickly from nowhere and disappeared even quicker. I don't even know her real name. "You're so beautiful. What's your name?" "Names are boring. Just call me Yasmine." I was in love with her truly.
02.08.2009
7 deadly sins. Lust - I think that there's nothing wrong when I lust over many men and many women at the same time. Gluttony - I used to eat too much like when I was 8. But that's the past. Now I drink too much and I am fine with that.
10.08.2009
We might be moving back to Finland. I'm so happy. Nothing keeps me in France and my heart is in Finland. For what it's worth. Got no friends, got now lover.
02.09.2009
You're still here
Every time I close my eyes
07.09.2009
I fall in love easily. Yesterday I fell for the guy who was sitting next to me at metro station. He had bright blue eyes and auburn hair. He smelled nice. He told me I was beautiful.
04.10.2009
Hate me
Never leave me
On the next day
You can do whatever you want
But today
Never leave me
I can't cut
You always
Come and go
Never leave me
Today
But tomorrow is not important
Help me to dance through
All this surreality of pain
It's all wrong if you leave today
Tomorrow is not important
Just stay for today
Cause it's real and I'm in pain
All I need
Is everything you can't give
Just fake it for better today
There's no tomorrow anyway
12.10.2009
Moody, confident.
17.10.2009
When I'm writing about you I like to think that I am just a beautiful writer who's writing a story which she hasn't been through herself. She's putting everything down in details but still keeping safe distance. I do this because I'm in pain every time I think about you. I regret that I have been through you.
27.11.2009
And I'm falling for you from the sky
Oh why you don't hide
Play those everlasting games
11.12.2009
Honestly, what's your biggest fear? My biggest fear is getting old.
25.01.2010
Every end is a new beginning. I can't put up with life anymore.
23.02.2010
I strongly say that this novel is not about me. This is about young Anita. Someone who I used to be.
02.05.2010
What I adore about Sergey Zverev: You know that older men are my thing and he is 46 years old. He is perfection from head to toe. He is really wealthy. What I dislike about Sergey Zverev: I have heard that he likes chubby/curvy women. His skinny ex-girlfriend said that Sergey told her many times to gain weight. I would never do something like that. Except if my blond haired blue eyed boy would ask me that. But he would never because he just doesn't care.
May 22, 2010
My heart is somewhere.
I need to reborn myself. All this normal girlfriend/boyfriend relationship is starting to unnerve me. I miss my gasoline fingers.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
