Clueless.

"Anita, you are the one and I adore you."

Awfully beautiful but deadly young boy said that to me some days ago. I was wasted and flying high. He at the same time was clinically sober and strangely serious. Oh, what a miserable schism. I don't feel bad about the fact that I think I like him more than my girlfriend. It's so me. I think I have a new game to play.

Shh...it's my secret.

I have a cupboard which is always locked. I keep there the most important things. Memories of my blond haired blue eyed boy. The love of my life, the only real love, which will never fade but only grows bigger. Pictures, videos, songs and poem which he have written of me, presents from him, etc.

In my wallet there is a photo of me and my beautiful girlfriend but behind it there is a photo of me and my true love.

Attention graving maybe? Or Nessa? Or something else?

I was a perfectly normal child and had a happy childhood. I don't remember when nor why I changed. I don't come from this family and I'm not supposed to be like I am. I'm my own worst enemy and I'm depraving myself.

Old dreams with twisted hearts.

I can't believe what you said to me
Last night when we were alone
You threw your hands up
Baby you gave up, you gave up

I can't believe how you looked at me
With your James Dean glossy eyes
In your tight jeans with your long hair
And your cigarette stained lies

Could we fix you if you broke
And is your punch line just a joke

I'll never talk again
Oh boy you've left me speechless
You've left me speechless, so speechless

And I'll never love again
Oh friend you've left me speechless
You've left me speechless, so speechless

I can't believe how you slurred at me
Through your half wired broken jaw
You popped my heart seams
On my bubble dreams, bubble dreams

I can't believe how you looked at me
With your Johnnie Walker eyes
He's gonna get you and after he's through
There's gonna be no love left to rye

And I know that it's complicated
But I'm a loser in love
So baby raise a glass to mend
All the broken hearts
Of all my wrecked up friends

I'll never talk again
Oh boy you've left me speechless
You've left me speechless so speechless

I'll never love again
Oh friend you've left me speechless
You've left me speechless, so speechless

How
How
How
How
How

And after all the drinks and bars that we've been to
Would you give it all up
Could I give it all up for you

And after all the boys and girls that we've been through
Would you give it all up
Could you give it all up

If I promise boy to you
That I'll never talk again
And I'll never love again
I'll never write a song
Won't even sing along

I'll never love again
How
So speechless
You left me speechless, so speechless
Why you so speechless, so speechless

Will you ever talk again
Oh boy, why you so speechless
You've left me speechless so speechless

To my immortal beloved, to my blond haired blue eyed boy.

The sweetest perfection
To call my own
The slightest correction
Couldn't finely hone
The sweetest infection
Of body and mind
Sweetest injection
Of any kind

I stop and I stare too much
Afraid that I care too much
And I hardly dare to touch
For fear that the spell may be broken
When I need a drug in me
And it brings out the thug in me
Feel something tugging me
Then I want the real thing not tokens

Things you'd expect to be
Having effect on me
Pass undetectedly
But everyone knows what has got me
Takes me completely
Touches me sweetly
Reaches so deeply
I know that nothing can stop me

Sweetest perfection
An offer was made
An assorted collection
But I wouldn't trade

Takes me complelty
Touches so sweetly
Reaches so deeply
Nothing can stop me

"But I only have loved one."

My behated psychologist who probably have never touched a man herself asked me today how many sex partners I have had in my young life. I got really angry because she probably only wanted to hear some juicy details which would have brightened up her dry life. I lied to her that none. Then she forced on her stupid face even stupier fake smile. But after that I started thinking about it and I have to say that I would need lots of hands to count them all up on fingers.

Put me out of my misery because I don't want to care.

Oh why I never change? I am still so weak. Shoot me down. Bang bang.