Crippled Doll

RUSLANA

2011-09-17T06:52:00.001-07:00

By: Anita

When I still dreamed about you

Those dreams

They tasted good

Until you come back you fucking whore

It's just another horny Sunday

DIRTY MOUTH

2011-08-10T02:56:00.000-07:00

By: Anita

I'm so pretty I should marry at Westminister Abbey
Much prettier than Catherine
I'm so young I should wear royal white
Much younger than Catherine
Then why did she end up with prince?
And why is so that I always fall for jerkoffs?
Must be my bad manners
Probably also my lack of empathy
And definitely my no sense of morals

NO.26052011

2011-07-26T03:32:00.000-07:00

By: Anita

My relationship with sleep is not simple. Never was, never will be. There have been times when I have spent weeks without sleeping and even forgot that humans need such thing like sleep in order to stay alive. There have been times when I sleep for days and still feel so tired as if I could sleep until I sleep forever. But now I never sleep. The last time when I willingly closed my eyes to enter the dreamland was 26 of May 2011, exactly two months ago. I am tired. I am weak. I am sick. I am a shadow. But I can not afford to go to sleep. Awful things I see then. Awful things happen. Even the memories of former self has faded. Only the writings give me the picture who I used to be, kind of a broken one, but still. I started to see the most evil dreams that even a demon could not create those. Whenever I closed my eyes in bed I saw the pure evil which was brought alive by me. But I could never do anything like that. I could never harm in such way. I am not the devil. My mind is not even capable to produce such images. Who puts those awful things in my head when I happen to fall asleep? I am tired of this. I feel quilty. So quilty. Because the things which I see happen to come alive. At first I thought it was coincidence but after some time I knew it was not. I started to blame myself. I started to think that I was behind of those awful things. I believed that whenever I closed my eyes and which I thought to be dreams at first, I actually made those evil things while being asleep. That is why I never sleep anymore. But sometimes I am so tired. So tired. Like now. So weak. Sometimes my eyes just close, not willingly. For a half hour, sometimes even for a full hour. And then I wake up because of the things which I have seen while being in dreamland. So vivid. So pure. So true. So evil. I do not read news anymore, I do not gather the information from the outside. I do not want to know that the things which I see in my head come alive. I do not want to feel quilty but that is how I feel. Whenever I walk outside I feel, I see, I know that everyone are judging me. The skinny girl who sells fat free yogurth. The guy who brings the post, probably a pervert. The old ladys in pastel colors who sit on a fence. The young androgynous guys who smoke cigarettes all day long not knowing that it will rot their beautiful teeth. People who love me are judging me. Total strangers are judging me. Even the things which are not alive are judging. The old house with broken mirrors. The rode which I have walked more than a thousand times before. The sky which is never as clear as it used to be when we were children. Everyone and everything are judging me. They wish I could go away and never return. They wish I could just disappear.

Killing time.

2010-05-26T13:23:00.001-07:00

Well I want to murder myself. Again. I think this would help me. You know?

Rain.

2010-05-24T05:59:00.000-07:00

From time to time I like to imagine killing myself. Going through all the little details in my head. Coldness of the water in bath where I wash myself pure for the last time. Letters to my loved ones where my written words make sure that they won't feel guilty nor angry. Placebo - My Sweet Prince would be on repeat. Wine and tablets. Beautiful long black dress covering my fragile body. Curly hair and blood red lips. How divine!

I decided not to cry until I meet the love of my life. And that means a very long time.

UNPUBLISHED.

2010-05-23T06:08:00.000-07:00

Writings which I never posted but which are saved as a draft.

26.12.2008
I want to fall in love. Completely.

24.02.2009

26.04.2009
There are reasons why you shouldn't love anybody except yourself.

23.07.2009
She was the brightest star in my depressive sky. She appeared quickly from nowhere and disappeared even quicker. I don't even know her real name. "You're so beautiful. What's your name?" "Names are boring. Just call me Yasmine." I was in love with her truly.

02.08.2009
7 deadly sins. Lust - I think that there's nothing wrong when I lust over many men and many women at the same time. Gluttony - I used to eat too much like when I was 8. But that's the past. Now I drink too much and I am fine with that.

10.08.2009
We might be moving back to Finland. I'm so happy. Nothing keeps me in France and my heart is in Finland. For what it's worth. Got no friends, got now lover.

02.09.2009
You're still here
Every time I close my eyes

07.09.2009
I fall in love easily. Yesterday I fell for the guy who was sitting next to me at metro station. He had bright blue eyes and auburn hair. He smelled nice. He told me I was beautiful.

04.10.2009
Hate me
Never leave me
On the next day
You can do whatever you want
But today
Never leave me
I can't cut
You always
Come and go
Never leave me
Today
But tomorrow is not important
Help me to dance through
All this surreality of pain
It's all wrong if you leave today
Tomorrow is not important
Just stay for today
Cause it's real and I'm in pain
All I need
Is everything you can't give
Just fake it for better today
There's no tomorrow anyway

12.10.2009
Moody, confident.

17.10.2009
When I'm writing about you I like to think that I am just a beautiful writer who's writing a story which she hasn't been through herself. She's putting everything down in details but still keeping safe distance. I do this because I'm in pain every time I think about you. I regret that I have been through you.

27.11.2009
And I'm falling for you from the sky
Oh why you don't hide
Play those everlasting games

11.12.2009
Honestly, what's your biggest fear? My biggest fear is getting old.

25.01.2010
Every end is a new beginning. I can't put up with life anymore.

23.02.2010
I strongly say that this novel is not about me. This is about young Anita. Someone who I used to be.

02.05.2010
What I adore about Sergey Zverev: You know that older men are my thing and he is 46 years old. He is perfection from head to toe. He is really wealthy. What I dislike about Sergey Zverev: I have heard that he likes chubby/curvy women. His skinny ex-girlfriend said that Sergey told her many times to gain weight. I would never do something like that. Except if my blond haired blue eyed boy would ask me that. But he would never because he just doesn't care.

My heart is somewhere.

2010-05-22T12:17:00.000-07:00

I need to reborn myself. All this normal girlfriend/boyfriend relationship is starting to unnerve me. I miss my gasoline fingers.

No. 17.

2010-05-21T12:06:00.000-07:00

We won't move back to Finland where my blond haired blue eyed boy lives. The love of my life. We'll stay in France where the boy lives. My love.

Should I be mirthful or doleful? Should I take an overdose of white pills or drown myself in cold water bath? Should I let you in or should I hide from you? Life is a never-ending test where wrong answers can cost your life.

Lovely boy I must say.

2010-05-21T03:46:00.000-07:00

[I'll Hit Her - The Loud Ones]

He somehow reminds me my blond haired blue eyed boy. Skinny and gorgeous.

My heroin - long lost love.

2010-05-20T01:03:00.000-07:00

Your Personality Is Like Heroin

You're capable of the highest highs and the lowest lows. Addicted to feeling good, you'll do almost anything to avoid pain. People seek you out, even though you can be quite moody. They're hooked on you!

At your best: You are euphoric, stress free, and a little sleepy.

What people like about being around you: They're not exactly sure, but they can't get enough about you.

What people dislike about being around you: When you finally leave, they go some pretty serious withdrawal.

How addicted people get to you: Very... you're quite dangerous.

I can count on my one hand the times I shot heroin. It's far too addictive for a person like me. But I love it, love it, love it. Thinking about it makes me want it even more.

Jim Morrison reportedly died of an overdose of heroin in a bathtub in Paris. How fancy is that?

"If Placebo was a drug, they would no doubt be pure heroin - dangerous, mysterious and totally addictive." Brian Molko

How many stars would you give to the moon?

2010-05-19T08:11:00.000-07:00

Amazing lyrics. Certain someone asked me to stop drug abuse. I said I'll think about it. I think I lied.

How do you rate the morning sun?
After a long and sleepless night
How many stars would you give to the moon
Do you see those stars from where you are?
Shine on the lost and loneliest
The ones who can't get over it

You always wanted more than life
But now you don't have the appetite
In a message to the troubador
The world don't love you anymore
Tell me how do you rate the morning sun?

Stuck inside the rainbow years
And you could happen to me
'Cause I've been close to where you are
I drove to places you have seen
It all seems so familiar
Like they'd been sent to kill ya

It doesn't take an astronaut
To float in the space is just a thought
The morning brings a mystery
The evening makes it history
Tell me how do you rate the morning sun?

And the village drunk
Sadly passed away
It was a shame
I never knew his name
I wonder if he sat there every morning
And watched the sun rise

How do you rate the morning sun?
It was just too heavy for me
And all I wanted was the world
If you are the starlet in the sun
Don't go wasting your time
'Cause there is no finish line

And you don't see anything
Not even love, not anything
The night can take the man from you
A sense of wonder overdue
The morning brings a mystery
The evening makes it history
Who am I to rate the morning sun?
[Robbie Williams - Morning Sun]

The sun burnt my eyelids.

2010-05-15T04:08:00.000-07:00

I love it, I shoot it like a tommy gun
But you will carry on until the day you are done
You never know when to stop
You'll carry on until you're dead and you drop
You will carry on until you're dead and you drop
[The Courteeners - You Overdid It Doll]

32 is better than 23.

2010-05-12T03:17:00.000-07:00

I met an angel this morning. He gave me some Vicodin. 32 tablets to be honest. I feel really safe now.

"Anyway, I keep picturing all these little kids playing some game in this big field of rye and all. Thousands of little kids, and nobody's around - nobody big, I mean - except me. And I'm standing on the edge of some crazy cliff. What I have to do, I have to catch everybody if they start to go over the cliff - I mean if they're running and they don't look where they're going I have to come out from somewhere and catch them. That's all I do all day. I'd just be the catcher in the rye and all. I know it's crazy, but that's the only thing I'd really like to be."
J.D. Salinger, The Cather in the Rye

Remember me.

2010-05-10T12:15:00.000-07:00

I received a letter from my blond haired blue eyed boy. I opened an envelope and took out a piece of paper. I folded it out and only found two words: "Remember me." I immediately burst crying and I still am. This is the most beautiful and heartbreaking sentence which he have ever wrote to me.

I belonged to her many years ago.

2010-05-09T04:39:00.001-07:00

My mother only plays piano when she is sad. Not angry nor happy, but sad. It's devastating, actually.

Teasing the death.

2010-05-07T11:04:00.000-07:00

Constant headache left me some minutes ago and the feeling is quite divine. I would be the happiest human being in the world if someone would force me to kiss the dead guy who invented the painkillers until the rest of my life. I bet his breath would be deadly and hypnotic at the same time. Anyways, I am making myself pretty for the party. Being superficial around superficial people is fun. And, of course, mixing drugs with cherry vodka is too.

I will slit my throat tonight.

2010-05-05T10:32:00.000-07:00

Shoot myself to love you
If I loved myself I'd be shooting you
[Marilyn Manson - Fundamentally Loathsome]

Written words.

2010-05-02T04:39:00.000-07:00

Happy birthday to you
Happy birthday angel
There's no one here to help you

Kiss me until I bleed.

2010-05-01T10:06:00.000-07:00

I long for the summer because then I don't feel hunger. I feed off of Sobranie cigarettes, IAMX, pills and myself.

Me and the boy went to the Marie Antoinette masquerade. Getting drunk of champagne was something new. That night was divine!

At the moment I would like to -
kiss: the boy.
have sex with: Brian Molko.
forget: my blond haired blue eyed boy.

Right now I would like to get married to Sergey Zverev. He would buy me expensive diamond rings and curl my hair every morning. We would have sex at least 2 times per day and he would call me Mrs. Zvereva.

I get attracted to beautiful men every day. It doesn't matter if they are singing on the TV, posing in the magazine or walking down the street. But I prefer the real deal (aka the boy) of course. Sergey Zverev is an exception.

Take this migraine everywhere I go
Take the fast lane everywhere I go
someday gonna take it slow

Take this migraine everywhere I go
Take the fast lane everywhere I go
someday gonna take it slow

I wanna turn you on
feels like a loaded gun
spit out your bubble gum
I wanna I wanna

I wanna turn you on
feels like a loaded gun
spit out your bubble gum
I wanna I wanna

I wanna I wanna
I wanna I wanna
cum

[Placebo - Bubblegum]

BUBBLEGUM.

2010-04-28T08:35:00.000-07:00

Gradually become less or weaker before disappearing completely.

I can't love you yet.

2010-04-14T11:24:00.000-07:00

This is for Him from Anita.

This call is meant to be brief
A simple hello ending with goodbye
Then you say hello
Now, I am melting
And now my goodbye
Becomes a goodnight
I don't mind if you don't mind
Please say you do not mind if this call
Goes on all night
Cause I have more to say
My afternoon was O.K.
My evening was fine but this night
I want it to be the best night
Of our lives

Sweet Darling
This is my confession to
The crimes of wanting you badly
And Darlin' if you're wondering
Here's your answer
Yes I like you
I don't love you
I can't love you
Yet

These calls are getting longer
And these nights go on
And on and on forever
I do believe I'm getting better
Knowing you
Hopefully all of you
Sitting watching movies
We both know I do not watch a bit of it
Cause I am much too busy
Leaving my hand close enough
So you'll hold it

Sweet Darling
This is my confession to
The crimes of wanting you badly
And Darlin' if you're wondering
Here's your answer
Yes I like you
I don't love you
I can't love you

And I can not stop thinking about you
I can not stop wondering
If you're constantly
Thinking about me
Don't close your eyes dear I'm still staring
I won't lie dear I'm still breathing
Even though your beauty is breath taking

Sweet Darling
This is my confession to
The crimes of wanting you badly
And Darlin' if you're wondering
Here's your answer
Yes I like you
I can't love you
I can't love you
Or at least I do not think I do
yet
(Between The Trees - Darlin)

Some nights ago.

2010-04-14T05:05:00.000-07:00

Some nights ago I saw my blond haired blue eyed boy in the dream. His hair was reddish blond but are cold blond in reality. His lips were bright red but are light pink in reality. His eyes were piercingly blue exactly like in reality. He was tanned like he is in the summer. Sun was shining and we were in a pool. I asked him if I could kiss him. He agreed and we kissed. This dream was so vivid. The kiss and everything felt so real. I rarely see dreams about him but every time I do those dreams feel so true.

White roses.

2010-04-07T13:01:00.001-07:00

I get all my energy from the pills. I think I would be dead without them. And oh by the way white roses are my favorite flowers. He brings me those all the time. I love him. Even I think that saying that sounds a bit superficial but I really do love him. Life has been good but crazy lately. I blame the pills. Now I go smoke a cigarette on balcony.

Neglected past life.

2010-04-07T06:27:00.000-07:00

I am really paranoid. I would like to have a bodyguard or two. Would feel much safer. I am paranoid of being kidnapped and raped and tortured and being kept as a sex slave for years. Fear, fear, fear. Help me God.

Blister blue lips.

2010-04-05T12:57:00.000-07:00

Off to doctor tomorrow to get some new medicines. Adderall 15 mg and Prozac 20 mg. I am craving for Vicodin. Should break my ankle or something. Pills are my family, my best friends, my lovers. Those little monsters can cure anything. From a headache to a broken heart.

He was there with me.

2010-04-05T08:01:00.000-07:00

Drank cherry vodka and rose wine yesterday. Took about 5 strong painkillers through the evening. Smoke a package of Marlboro Reds. Wore the most beautiful floral mini dress with black tights. No more make-up on the eyes than long black eyelashes. Coral red lips. Wavy ash blond hair. I felt as the most divine young woman on the planet when sensually holding a cigarette in my tiny shaky hand.

She didn't kill me this time.

2010-03-29T13:10:00.000-07:00

I don't know if it's love or lust because those feelings are so new but all I know is that I'm really happy.

But I'm not naive. I know my past. I know that it will always stay with me. Even if I start again on a clean sheet of paper I can still feel the invisible lines which have been written before with my fingertips. Have you seen the movie White Oleander? It starts like that:
"Everybody asks why I started at the end and worked back to the beginning. The reason is simple. I couldn't understand the beginning until I had reached the end. There were too many pieces of the puzzle missing, too much she would never tell. I could sell these things. People want to buy them. But I'd set it all on fire first. She'd like that. She'd make it just to burn it. I couldn’t afford this one, but the beginning deserves something special. But how do I show that nothing, not a taste, not a smell, not even the color of the sky has ever been as clear and sharp as it was when I belonged to her? I don’t know how to express that being with someone so dangerous was the last time I felt safe."
Just instead of she read he and instead of her read him. That's exactly how I feel. Even right now when everything is perfectly fine. Even right now.

But I'm happy. I truly am. I got someone special in my life.

It's that time of the year.

2010-03-13T12:13:00.000-08:00

I met somebody who wont be another nobody.

Teenage bad girl.

2010-03-02T10:00:00.000-08:00

I am going to see 30 Seconds to Mars this Friday. Jared Leto is amazingly beautiful. He looks a bit like my blond haired blue eyed boy. Glad I'm skinny again because I wouldn't risk looking chubby in front of Jared. I wonder if he is hard to catch?

Penny&Bebe reunification.

2010-02-28T13:26:00.000-08:00

I long for summer. I am going to be Miss Penny Lane and Nessa is going to be Bebe Buell. Just like old times.

I had to say this again also.

2010-02-28T13:19:00.000-08:00

I always watch you when you're dreaming
Because I know it's not of me
I smoke a dozen cancer sticks
Imagine there are two or three ways
To make you love me
And not dream of someone else
Become the movie on your eyelids

I cry when I listen to you breathing
Because I know there's nothing else
The conscious of that crushing feeling
To know there's no connection left
That we both go through the motions
That we're both living somewhere else
That the movie on your eyelids
Is no reflection of myself

Just had to say this again.

2010-02-28T13:09:00.001-08:00

"It's like ten thousand spoons when all you need is a knife."

Fresh blood.

2010-02-28T05:46:00.000-08:00

I'm listening to Finnish music which remind me the times when I was happy and I realized again that all I ever want is him.

"It's like ten thousand spoons when all you need is a knife."

"6 billion people in the world, 6 billion souls, and sometimes...all you need is one."

"There is no real replacement in life, my friend. You want one, you can have hundreds, but the hundreds cannot replace the one."

It's only for me. Just getting some things off my bleeding chest.

2010-02-25T09:29:00.000-08:00

No 1: I haven't done anything to make him love me.
No 2: I try to live without painkillers for a while but it's hard.
No 3: I have started to drink lots of water because I hope it will make me pure.
No 4: I want to lose weight.
No 5: I think I look good wearing navy blue clothes.
No 6: My head aches a lot.
No 7: My heart beats weird sometimes.
No 8: I cry over pointless things.
No 9: I am numb when it comes to the thing which actually matter.
No 10: And oh by the way I won't live old. It's official.

Confused.

2010-02-23T16:05:00.000-08:00

I hurt myself today. If I could take it back I would. I am truly ashamed about my old habits. Hope it doesn't happen again. I can't control myself when I do those things to myself. It always seem like an only option. I hate that I can hurt the one person who is always there for me so easily - me. I hate myself right now and hate is a strong word.

But I'm alone with you.

2010-02-23T06:12:00.000-08:00

We can never go home
We no longer have one
I'll help you carry the load
I'll carry you in my arms
The kiss of the snow
The crescent moon above us
Our blood is cold
And we're alone
But I'm alone with you

Help me to carry the fire
We will keep it alight together
Help me to carry the fire
It will light our way forever

If I say shut your eyes
If I say look away
Bury your face in my shoulder
Think of a birthday
The things you put in your head
They will stay here forever
Our blood is cold
And we're alone, love
But I'm alone with you

Help me to carry the fire
We will keep it alight together
Help me to carry the fire
It will light our way forever

Help me to carry the fire
We will keep it alight together
Now help me to carry the fire
It will light up our way forever

If I say shut your eyes
If I say shut your eyes
Bury me in surprise
Where I say shut your eyes

Help me to carry the fire
We will keep it alight together
Help me carry the fire
It will light our way forever

Midsummer eve.

2010-02-19T09:58:00.001-08:00

And all the birds committed suicide when little Alice walked by them. Oh she was a devilish girl. Looking so innocent but lusting for blood. No one knew her dark secrets. She had to walk her whole young life with those.

She is the victim of gravity.

2010-02-17T09:10:00.000-08:00

If I could change something about myself than I would reduce the paranoia from my mind. I am not hating the lord. My paranoia keeps getting bigger and bigger. Life is changing. I won't pretend anymore. I only miss one person. I can hardly function. Drug myself up. I am sad. Emotional but numb. Fairy with a smile of a devil. Wonder why I'm alone. So alone, alone, alone. I know that I will never be old. Oldness scares me. I simply can't picture myself being old. This will never happen. Star child from the moon.

You are the summer in my bed
Fooling around
Wearing the daylight round you neck
Calming me down
Come to me like a rain to sea
(IAMX - Rain To Sea)

I need more medicines. I need to feel high in order to be able to smile and run around like I'm used to. I don't sleep free. He is my memories. He used to make my whole world sweet. I want to smell spring. Drama follows me. He is my lifeline. Remember when I tried to cut my lifeline shorter? It didn't work. I never faked it. At least I have truly loved someone. Come undone me. Erase my past and paint new mistakes.

Lovely.

2010-02-14T07:24:00.000-08:00

I am fine now. Am I? I don't know actually. But I'm finer than before. Am I? Anyways. So I acted pretty hysterically for a while and got irritated about everything. I cried and cried and cried. But it's all good now. I think. I wish that I could be someone else. Still fucked up but different. I don't want to be fine actually. It's boring and only normal people are meant to be fine. I don't want to be normal. I want to be extraordinary. So I choose to burn myself, vanish myself, assassinate myself. I ran my gasoline fingers thorough my hair and you fell in love...oh it's another story already...forgive me my inattentiveness...but your silver skin soothes my aching curses and reminds me that you're worth it...oh...

Nothing to hold on.

2010-02-11T12:36:00.000-08:00

I thought it was the last year thing but people just keep on dying. It's a sign. I am not going to be fine. I'm going to be an icon for my own.

Beauty.

2010-02-11T07:02:00.000-08:00

Superficial. Skin deep.

The truth is mine.

2010-02-10T09:04:00.000-08:00

"What nourishes me, destroys me."

I heart my pills.

2010-02-09T06:38:00.000-08:00

I don't feel much
But when I do
I don't feel good

I am still not who I am.

2010-02-06T05:22:00.000-08:00

If I would live in a dream world then my dream girlfriend would have exact same face, exact same make-up, exact same hair and exact same body.

Moments of life.

2010-02-04T11:49:00.000-08:00

I walked away from her.
I want to do something different.
I will always remember that very moment when my both eyes filled with tears at the very same moment and those two tears fell down my face at the very same moment.
I am sad but I wish I would be emotionless.
I will never be old.
I hate the ones I love.
I hate the feeling when skin starts growing on cuts I produced.
I am tired.
I am weak.

I want to travel away from them.

2010-02-04T11:43:00.000-08:00

I comfort myself with a belief that when you are young everything hurts more.

Until I see you again.

2010-02-01T08:49:00.000-08:00

I remember when
I first met you
It was raining
Raining in Paris
It washed away
Everything else
Around me
Oh I was raining
Raining in Paris

I want to grow.

2010-01-30T10:11:00.000-08:00

A movement
Atonement
A new dream, beyond dreams

A shadow
Lies built in
A child, boy singing

I want to grow

Holding me
Unite us
This lifetime
As lovers for all time

[Devendra Banhart - Last Song For B]

Isn't that just oh so very beautiful and oh so captivating?

Until I see you again.

2010-01-30T05:53:00.000-08:00

Heal me
Cause I never be her
Change me
Cause I never be her
Kill me
Cause I never be her
Reborn me
Cause I never be her

Until I see you again.

2010-01-29T08:02:00.000-08:00

Those summer roses
Will burn in water
Their thorns cut me half
And gave the better side for you
Oh those kisses and those hugs
Those smiles and those eyes
Bloody summer roses
Will burn in water
Because they don't know
How to sew me whole again

No. 106.

2010-01-28T06:47:00.000-08:00

What's the point of the photograph if it doesn't make you smile?

Neurotic minds.

2010-01-26T11:36:00.000-08:00

My other half just contacted me. Those feelings never change. Today has been a great day. Something bad will happen soon.

Bright lights.

2010-01-26T06:33:00.000-08:00

I went out today. Improvement. I made my fuzzy handsome asexual friend Olivier skip school today and visited him. We got drunk on wine. We got high off weed. We read sad poetry and listened to Suede because we both adore Brett Anderson and his captivating voice. I really do love Olivier. And I love life. Well sometimes.

Silver tight legs.

2010-01-25T08:53:00.000-08:00

"Does it hurt?"
"What?"
"Being old."
"Not as much as being young."

Hatred.

2010-01-25T07:31:00.000-08:00

I'm always crying. My eyes will change color every time when they fill with salty raindrops. Dark turquoise green. I need more pills...I'm gonna take more pills...I will swim in the sea of pills...

Shoot them down.

2010-01-24T12:23:00.001-08:00

I don't get that when all the people say that women are more beautiful than men. I myself have always find the good looking women just pretty, but men achingly beautiful.

But I don't care for myself.

2010-01-24T09:36:00.000-08:00

I used to listen to Placebo all the time when I was younger but now those lyrics hurt too much. Numb me again, baby.

My truth.

2010-01-24T08:09:00.000-08:00

- Payback is a bitch.
- I am not capable of loving anyone else but him.
- I hate that my ex girlfriend still cares about me.
- My prescription medicines disappear quickly because I take them all the time when I feel like.
- I am not eating.
- I want to fuck some skinny white gorgeous boy who has blue eyes and blond hair.
- I want to kill my parents and my therapist.
- I want to go out again but I'm too scared that people might think I'm fat.
- I still fit in my old clothes even though I'm huge now, that means that I was huge before too.
- I have written 56 poems since I got out which all talk about pounds and the love of my life.
- I have friends who love me.
- I weight myself all the time.
- I weight 108 pounds.
- I weighted 97 pounds before they locked me up and forced me to gain weight.
- I lied to their faces before I left that I was sick and that I will never ever lose weight again and that I'm happy about how I look right now.
- I have lost 2 pounds since I got back home.

If I should fall he wouldn't catch me.

2010-01-24T04:29:00.000-08:00

It seems that I only write about my blond haired blue eyed boy, the love of my life. That's because I never talk about him in the real life, not even mention him at all.

Without you I'm nothing at all.

2010-01-23T13:29:00.000-08:00

I have to let him go. He is not the man who he used to be. Looking at the old photos makes it really hard though.

Your slipping slowly from my reach...

I want to play with you again.

2010-01-20T13:03:00.000-08:00

I can't deny what I've become
I'm just emotionally undone
I can't deny I can with someone else
When I have tried to find the words
To describe this sense absurd
Try to resist my thoughts but I can't lie

All the muse in myself
My desire I can't hide
No reason and I thought

I can't divide they'll hide from me
I don't know who I'm meant to be
I guess it's just the person that I am
Often I've felt that I don't wade
Into the gift of my mistake
Again, again I'm wrong, and I confess

All the muse in myself
My desire I can't hide
No reason and I thought

All the muse in myself
My desire I can't hide
No reason and I thought

[Portishead - Magic Doors]

Yesterday I locked myself in a bathroom for 6 hours. This song was on repeat for all that time. I got high on abusing the prescription drugs. I felt vivid for the first time after a oh so very long time. I'm planning to do this for the whole week because I deserve a vacation from my life and my school is fucked up anyway.

I have to write down how it was to be there so I wont forget. I have to avoid getting back there even if it takes my life. I got some weird thoughts how they can't send me back there ever again. I wonder if that's possible?

Beautifully wrapped pounds.

2010-01-18T10:20:00.000-08:00

Something happened which shouldn't have happened. You honestly don't know what? Didn't wind bring you any messages? Didn't birds sing you the truth? Didn't dreams show you anything? They locked me up on the Christmas Eve. Yes, they did. Even I find it hard to believe. I'm heavy again.

I will go and take a bath now so water could wash away all that hurt. I will push down my throat all the pills which they gave me to comfort me.

I have been everything.

2009-12-20T11:12:00.000-08:00

I have been you
You only have been yourself
So who's gonna win this game
This little game of life
The right answer is me

Those mornings are teary.

2009-12-14T07:29:00.001-08:00

I cry a lot lately. I don't know why. I cry when my mother tells me she can't book me a flight for a right date. I cry when I can't get no sleep. I cry when my parents tell that they love each other until forever. I cry when there is a sad part in a movie. I cry when I have too much to study. I cry when it's raining. I cry when the sun is out. I cry when I realize I don't have any painkillers left. I cry when I think about him. I cry when I listen to his songs. I cry when I have to explain to my girlfriend why I can't see her today. I cry when I listen to the sad songs which actually aren't sad. I cry when I accidentally cut my nails too short. I cry when I see old people. I cry a lot lately. I don't know why.

Failure.

2009-12-12T12:12:00.000-08:00

My tip for life: remove from everyone who have hurt you.

I need to believe.

2009-12-11T04:39:00.000-08:00

Tonight, Jesus loves you.

And I am praying for myself.

2009-12-10T11:58:00.000-08:00

And don't wish it to be over. And then it will be all good. And don't think you are going to fail. And then you won't. And don't ever doubt in yourself. And then you will win. And who am I? And I am everything.

History.

2009-12-07T09:32:00.000-08:00

A piece of a letter which my immortal beloved wrote to me very long long time ago:

"I'm sitting here and I miss you. But what else is new. It seems I find myself doing this quite often. I'm glad we can be civil now, but I can't decide what's worse. I'd rather cut you off completely. I don't think I can handle being just friends, which is absolutely pathetic. I feel like I'll always love you. I think I will, because you're everything I want and more. It's a shame we aren't motivated enough to bust through this wall that I built around you. I miss you everyday.

As for you, you'll never be as good.
I don't know why I'm pretending.
You're going to get hurt.
I'm going to hurt you someday."

Asphyxiation.

2009-12-07T09:19:00.000-08:00

"If I had a world of my own, everything would be nonsense. Nothing would be what it is, because everything would be what it isn't. And contrary wise, what is, it wouldn't be. And what it wouldn't be, it would. You see?" Lewis Carroll

You know what? I have this world. So step in if you like.

Clueless.

2009-12-07T06:59:00.001-08:00

"Anita, you are the one and I adore you."

Awfully beautiful but deadly young boy said that to me some days ago. I was wasted and flying high. He at the same time was clinically sober and strangely serious. Oh, what a miserable schism. I don't feel bad about the fact that I think I like him more than my girlfriend. It's so me. I think I have a new game to play.

Shh...it's my secret.

2009-12-02T11:40:00.000-08:00

I have a cupboard which is always locked. I keep there the most important things. Memories of my blond haired blue eyed boy. The love of my life, the only real love, which will never fade but only grows bigger. Pictures, videos, songs and poem which he have written of me, presents from him, etc.

In my wallet there is a photo of me and my beautiful girlfriend but behind it there is a photo of me and my true love.

Attention graving maybe? Or Nessa? Or something else?

2009-11-30T08:04:00.000-08:00

I was a perfectly normal child and had a happy childhood. I don't remember when nor why I changed. I don't come from this family and I'm not supposed to be like I am. I'm my own worst enemy and I'm depraving myself.

Old dreams with twisted hearts.

2009-11-30T07:22:00.000-08:00

I can't believe what you said to me
Last night when we were alone
You threw your hands up
Baby you gave up, you gave up

I can't believe how you looked at me
With your James Dean glossy eyes
In your tight jeans with your long hair
And your cigarette stained lies

Could we fix you if you broke
And is your punch line just a joke

I'll never talk again
Oh boy you've left me speechless
You've left me speechless, so speechless

And I'll never love again
Oh friend you've left me speechless
You've left me speechless, so speechless

I can't believe how you slurred at me
Through your half wired broken jaw
You popped my heart seams
On my bubble dreams, bubble dreams

I can't believe how you looked at me
With your Johnnie Walker eyes
He's gonna get you and after he's through
There's gonna be no love left to rye

And I know that it's complicated
But I'm a loser in love
So baby raise a glass to mend
All the broken hearts
Of all my wrecked up friends

I'll never talk again
Oh boy you've left me speechless
You've left me speechless so speechless

I'll never love again
Oh friend you've left me speechless
You've left me speechless, so speechless

How
How
How
How
How

And after all the drinks and bars that we've been to
Would you give it all up
Could I give it all up for you

And after all the boys and girls that we've been through
Would you give it all up
Could you give it all up

If I promise boy to you
That I'll never talk again
And I'll never love again
I'll never write a song
Won't even sing along

I'll never love again
How
So speechless
You left me speechless, so speechless
Why you so speechless, so speechless

Will you ever talk again
Oh boy, why you so speechless
You've left me speechless so speechless

To my immortal beloved, to my blond haired blue eyed boy.

2009-11-27T10:35:00.000-08:00

The sweetest perfection
To call my own
The slightest correction
Couldn't finely hone
The sweetest infection
Of body and mind
Sweetest injection
Of any kind

I stop and I stare too much
Afraid that I care too much
And I hardly dare to touch
For fear that the spell may be broken
When I need a drug in me
And it brings out the thug in me
Feel something tugging me
Then I want the real thing not tokens

Things you'd expect to be
Having effect on me
Pass undetectedly
But everyone knows what has got me
Takes me completely
Touches me sweetly
Reaches so deeply
I know that nothing can stop me

Sweetest perfection
An offer was made
An assorted collection
But I wouldn't trade

Takes me complelty
Touches so sweetly
Reaches so deeply
Nothing can stop me

"But I only have loved one."

2009-11-26T08:13:00.000-08:00

My behated psychologist who probably have never touched a man herself asked me today how many sex partners I have had in my young life. I got really angry because she probably only wanted to hear some juicy details which would have brightened up her dry life. I lied to her that none. Then she forced on her stupid face even stupier fake smile. But after that I started thinking about it and I have to say that I would need lots of hands to count them all up on fingers.

Put me out of my misery because I don't want to care.

2009-11-26T08:03:00.000-08:00

Oh why I never change? I am still so weak. Shoot me down. Bang bang.

Sometimes my appearance is the only one for me.

2009-11-25T09:35:00.000-08:00

So how do I look right now? My hair is really light platinum blond, long and with straight bangs. I wear my hair straight or wavy, messy. My skin is still a bit tanned from the summer but not so much. My skin is clear and young. I have to say that I haven't been this skinny since I was 10, expect that I still have boobs. Right now I don't seem to have hips which I am not very happy about, but it's still better than having wide hips. I wear baby pink, sometimes red, lipstick daily because my lips are so pale it even frightens me. Smoky eye is the first thing I paint on my face in the mornings. I am not insecure. I know I'm beautiful. But I still hate that girl who stares at me from the mirror because I know what this girl is capable of.

Note to self: Become brunette again in the summer because it suits with the tan and freckles on the nose which come out with the sun.

Soon I will forget what worrying means.

2009-11-23T03:16:00.000-08:00

"Just don't let it to get in your head, don't let anything to get in your head, and you will be alright," said wizard to a little girl named Alice.

We are young and we shouldn't care.

2009-11-20T12:33:00.000-08:00

You know, sometimes I hate myself so much, that it's just tearing me down. I wish I could stop doing those things what I do. What I hate the most is hurting others. But I just can't help it. I try to be a good person but it always happens the same way eventually.

And now I try it again. And I'm praying for myself.

Report: What I have been up to.

2009-11-18T12:45:00.001-08:00

I didn't made it to school today nor yesterday. Alisanne, Johnny and me have stayed at Olivier's place and done drugs, drugs, drugs. Shoot me but those have been the brightest moments in my life for awhile. Total silence, total calmness. Everything looks so far away and deadly beautiful at the same time. I think I won't go to school tomorrow either because I don't remember how to get there at the moment. Fucked up I am. But it keeps me breathing.

Take it as you want.

2009-11-18T07:15:00.000-08:00

I know it pays a lot to be unhurt.

Have you ever been on LSD?

2009-11-17T08:15:00.000-08:00

In our pain and sinning fall
Accept peace and whine
Going bad and taking all this
It's of each and tide
Calling bean and sinning call
Now I'm neat and tight
Gonna crap with naked Elvis
Sits there cheating high

Tonight, Jesus loves you
Tonight, Jesus loves you
Tonight, Jesus loves you
Tonight, Jesus loves you

We are dead and cynical
Gun of peace in my eye
See the back with naked Elvis
It's a cheating high

But she will back on mainframe
She got crack on cocaine
She got crack on seeing
Cheater, cheater

Tonight, Jesus loves you
Tonight, Jesus loves you
Tonight, Jesus loves you
Tonight, Jesus loves you
Tonight, Jesus loves you
Tonight, Jesus loves you
Tonight, Jesus loves you

Till our death and sinning call
Except she can hide
All those fat and sacred elders
Sister off and bad-eyed

She got back on mainframe
She got crack on cocaine
She got crack on seeing
Cheater, cheater

Tonight, Jesus loves you
Tonight, Jesus loves you
Tonight, Jesus loves you
Tonight, Jesus loves you
Tonight, Jesus loves you
Tonight, Jesus loves you
Tonight, Jesus loves you

Lies tonight

(Placebo - Little Mo)

To "my" photographer.

2009-11-16T09:13:00.001-08:00

It's sad when people you know become people you knew. When you can walk right past someone like they were never a big part of your life. How you used to be able to talk for hours and how now, you can barely even look at them.

Narrow.

2009-11-14T09:51:00.000-08:00

Yesterday an acquaintance of mine asked me: "How can you be so cold and emotionless?"

I answered her: "Honey, I have flew the highest highs and crawled the lowest lows, so I'm pretty happy about the spot I stand right now."

Oh why some beautiful certain people are?

2009-11-04T06:34:00.000-08:00

MYSOGINIST MYSOGINIST MYSOGINIST MYSOGINIST MYSOGINIST MYSOGINIST MYSOGINIST MYSOGINIST MYSOGINIST MYSOGINIST MYSOGINIST MYSOGINIST MYSOGINIST MYSOGINIST MYSOGINIST MYSOGINIST MYSOGINIST MYSOGINIST MYSOGINIST MYSOGINIST MYSOGINIST MYSOGINIST MYSOGINIST MYSOGINIST
MYSOGINIST MYSOGINIST MYSOGINIST MYSOGINIST MYSOGINIST MYSOGINIST MYSOGINIST MYSOGINIST MYSOGINIST MYSOGINIST MYSOGINIST MYSOGINIST MYSOGINIST MYSOGINIST MYSOGINIST MYSOGINIST MYSOGINIST MYSOGINIST MYSOGINIST MYSOGINIST MYSOGINIST MYSOGINIST MYSOGINIST MYSOGINIST
MYSOGINIST MYSOGINIST MYSOGINIST MYSOGINIST MYSOGINIST MYSOGINIST MYSOGINIST MYSOGINIST MYSOGINIST MYSOGINIST MYSOGINIST MYSOGINIST MYSOGINIST MYSOGINIST MYSOGINIST MYSOGINIST MYSOGINIST MYSOGINIST MYSOGINIST MYSOGINIST MYSOGINIST MYSOGINIST MYSOGINIST MYSOGINIST
MYSOGINIST MYSOGINIST MYSOGINIST MYSOGINIST MYSOGINIST MYSOGINIST MYSOGINIST MYSOGINIST MYSOGINIST MYSOGINIST MYSOGINIST MYSOGINIST MYSOGINIST MYSOGINIST MYSOGINIST MYSOGINIST MYSOGINIST MYSOGINIST MYSOGINIST MYSOGINIST MYSOGINIST MYSOGINIST MYSOGINIST MYSOGINIST
MYSOGINIST MYSOGINIST MYSOGINIST MYSOGINIST MYSOGINIST MYSOGINIST MYSOGINIST MYSOGINIST MYSOGINIST MYSOGINIST MYSOGINIST MYSOGINIST MYSOGINIST MYSOGINIST MYSOGINIST MYSOGINIST MYSOGINIST MYSOGINIST MYSOGINIST MYSOGINIST MYSOGINIST MYSOGINIST MYSOGINIST MYSOGINIST
MYSOGINIST MYSOGINIST MYSOGINIST MYSOGINIST MYSOGINIST MYSOGINIST MYSOGINIST MYSOGINIST MYSOGINIST MYSOGINIST MYSOGINIST MYSOGINIST MYSOGINIST MYSOGINIST MYSOGINIST MYSOGINIST MYSOGINIST MYSOGINIST MYSOGINIST MYSOGINIST MYSOGINIST MYSOGINIST MYSOGINIST MYSOGINIST

And he strikes again.

2009-10-29T13:12:00.000-07:00

Looking so fine
Too fine to feel secure
Hiding around
Playing games all the time

Are you for me or are you for someone else?
Are you for me or are you only for yourself?

Teasing around
Lying about the facts
Kissing my lips
Just to be dead by tomorrow

Are you for me or are you for someone else?
Are you for me or are you only for yourself?

Having some fun
With girls in hotels and bars
Always coming back
Just to lay peacefully by my side

Are you for me or are you for someone else?
Are you for me or are you only for yourself?

(by me)

This is my truth.

2009-10-19T11:00:00.001-07:00

And I have learned from a very very early age that pills can heal everything.

I just love you so so much.

2009-10-15T06:44:00.000-07:00

I always watch you when you're dreaming
Because I know it's not of me
I smoke a dozen cancer sticks
Imagine there are two or three ways
To make you love me
And not dream of someone else
Become the movie on your eyelids

The reflection of yourself
The reflection of yourself

I cry when I listen to you breathing
Because I know there's nothing else
The conscious of that crushing feeling
To know there's no connection left
That we both go through the motions
That we're both living somewhere else
That the movie on your eyelids
Is no reflection of myself
Is no reflection of myself
Is no reflection of myself

I wanna be, I wanna be your movie...
I wanna be, I wanna be your movie...

Why can't you be me?
Why can't you be me?
Why can't you be me?
Why can't you be me?
Be me, be me, be me...

Nr. 56.

2009-10-12T11:18:00.000-07:00

Love like you've never been hurt.

If I only could. But that's not so easy.

People may say I fall in love easily but this is real.

2009-10-12T07:36:00.000-07:00

I kneel before her
Beneath this frozen sky
Beneath her shoulder
Beneath her evil eye
She towers over
My sci-fi lullaby

I kneel before her
Beneath this frozen sky
I beg below her
My limbs are paralyzed
She beats me harder than any kind of guy
My sci-fi lullaby

(Placebo - Leni)

And she feels much softer than any kind of guy.

I just hope my heart doesn't give in.

2009-10-12T07:16:00.000-07:00

We're moving back to Finland in January or February. I have mixed up feelings about this. On the one hand I'm glad that we're moving because I don't care much about France and the best moments in my life happened in Finland. But on the other hand I have just found someone who I really care about and the worst moments in my life happened in Finland also. And of course I can't deny the fact that my one and only lives there.

So be mine.

2009-10-10T12:47:00.000-07:00

So many hours since I last saw you and you decided to end my dream which kept me living. I'm not breathing and I'm holding a scalpel on my wrist while I'm drowning in bath. I know you know I'm not capable of living without you. But still you left telling it's better for me. I'll be fine and live happily until I'm old. My sweet sweet darling you are so wrong.

Memory...

I never had a childhood actually.

2009-10-04T06:28:00.000-07:00

"Remember when getting high meant swings at the playground, the worst thing you could get from the opposite sex was cooties, your enemies were your teachers or your siblings, race issues was about who ran the fastest, war was a card game, the only drugs you knew about were cough medicine, and a girl that wore a skirt didn't have to be a slut; the only thing that hurt was skinned knees and the only things that could be broken were your toys. Life was simple and carefree, but what I remember the most was wanting to grow up."

Even if I vanish from this world you are still all I need.

2009-10-04T04:52:00.000-07:00

I can't take this anymore that you are all I need.

Journey.

2009-10-01T12:09:00.000-07:00

I am the definition of perfection to some people who I have met. I mean my looks are. Or at least they have confessed it to my face. But for myself I am the ultimate definiton of flaws. I would change every tiny inch if I could. And after that I would change everything again and again and again. This is my journey.

You know nothing.

2009-10-01T06:47:00.000-07:00

I love you
Like I have never felt before
But I will kill you
If you ever make me cry
Just a single tear
And I will push you down the cliff
Drown you in the bath
Stab you in the chest
Shoot you in the head
Poison your coffee
And make it look like accident
And after your gone
I will never cry again
Cause the tears, the tears
Were only made for you

(by me)

I feel warm when you're next to me.

2009-09-28T10:55:00.000-07:00

- She is oh so very beautiful.
- And she dresses so nice.
- And she has such a good body.
- And she smells nice.
- And she has gorgeous hair.
- And she is French.
- And she is so smart and cool.
- And she is polite and reserved.
- And she calls me all the time and asks me to hang out.
- And she likes to put her face almost against mine when she talks to me.
- And she has the most beautiful smile ever.
- And she has the most good looking pair of boobs which I have ever seen.
- And she does not wear masks.
- And she's so real and pure.

Well I definitely have a crush on her.

Missile.

2009-09-27T10:05:00.000-07:00

How come you will never let me go?

2009-09-27T09:40:00.000-07:00

"Where you used to be, there is a hole in the world, which I find myself constantly walking around in the daytime, and falling in at night." Edna St. Vincent Millay

I have been hurt and I have hurt.

2009-09-27T09:28:00.000-07:00

I know you know my head's not in this now
Nothing you could keep so keep me down
Like the stones beneath the water that you walk on to be taller
The hands you stuck together when you prayed you'd wait forever
Just another fragile angel heart
Falling down on lead wings torn apart

The words beneath my skin
The ink that put you in
Destroying all the things you left around
Earthbound coming down

So what you have the nerve to call a friend
Is starved of all the sense to make amends
I'm the glass you break to touch but you never want me much
Like the view across the water from the shoes and two feet smaller
I know it doesn't pay to be this hurt
Falling off the morning getting worse

(Sneaker Pimps - Destroying Angel)