By: Anita
My relationship with sleep is not simple. Never was, never will be. There have been times when I have spent weeks without sleeping and even forgot that humans need such thing like sleep in order to stay alive. There have been times when I sleep for days and still feel so tired as if I could sleep until I sleep forever. But now I never sleep. The last time when I willingly closed my eyes to enter the dreamland was 26 of May 2011, exactly two months ago. I am tired. I am weak. I am sick. I am a shadow. But I can not afford to go to sleep. Awful things I see then. Awful things happen. Even the memories of former self has faded. Only the writings give me the picture who I used to be, kind of a broken one, but still. I started to see the most evil dreams that even a demon could not create those. Whenever I closed my eyes in bed I saw the pure evil which was brought alive by me. But I could never do anything like that. I could never harm in such way. I am not the devil. My mind is not even capable to produce such images. Who puts those awful things in my head when I happen to fall asleep? I am tired of this. I feel quilty. So quilty. Because the things which I see happen to come alive. At first I thought it was coincidence but after some time I knew it was not. I started to blame myself. I started to think that I was behind of those awful things. I believed that whenever I closed my eyes and which I thought to be dreams at first, I actually made those evil things while being asleep. That is why I never sleep anymore. But sometimes I am so tired. So tired. Like now. So weak. Sometimes my eyes just close, not willingly. For a half hour, sometimes even for a full hour. And then I wake up because of the things which I have seen while being in dreamland. So vivid. So pure. So true. So evil. I do not read news anymore, I do not gather the information from the outside. I do not want to know that the things which I see in my head come alive. I do not want to feel quilty but that is how I feel. Whenever I walk outside I feel, I see, I know that everyone are judging me. The skinny girl who sells fat free yogurth. The guy who brings the post, probably a pervert. The old ladys in pastel colors who sit on a fence. The young androgynous guys who smoke cigarettes all day long not knowing that it will rot their beautiful teeth. People who love me are judging me. Total strangers are judging me. Even the things which are not alive are judging. The old house with broken mirrors. The rode which I have walked more than a thousand times before. The sky which is never as clear as it used to be when we were children. Everyone and everything are judging me. They wish I could go away and never return. They wish I could just disappear.
My relationship with sleep is not simple. Never was, never will be. There have been times when I have spent weeks without sleeping and even forgot that humans need such thing like sleep in order to stay alive. There have been times when I sleep for days and still feel so tired as if I could sleep until I sleep forever. But now I never sleep. The last time when I willingly closed my eyes to enter the dreamland was 26 of May 2011, exactly two months ago. I am tired. I am weak. I am sick. I am a shadow. But I can not afford to go to sleep. Awful things I see then. Awful things happen. Even the memories of former self has faded. Only the writings give me the picture who I used to be, kind of a broken one, but still. I started to see the most evil dreams that even a demon could not create those. Whenever I closed my eyes in bed I saw the pure evil which was brought alive by me. But I could never do anything like that. I could never harm in such way. I am not the devil. My mind is not even capable to produce such images. Who puts those awful things in my head when I happen to fall asleep? I am tired of this. I feel quilty. So quilty. Because the things which I see happen to come alive. At first I thought it was coincidence but after some time I knew it was not. I started to blame myself. I started to think that I was behind of those awful things. I believed that whenever I closed my eyes and which I thought to be dreams at first, I actually made those evil things while being asleep. That is why I never sleep anymore. But sometimes I am so tired. So tired. Like now. So weak. Sometimes my eyes just close, not willingly. For a half hour, sometimes even for a full hour. And then I wake up because of the things which I have seen while being in dreamland. So vivid. So pure. So true. So evil. I do not read news anymore, I do not gather the information from the outside. I do not want to know that the things which I see in my head come alive. I do not want to feel quilty but that is how I feel. Whenever I walk outside I feel, I see, I know that everyone are judging me. The skinny girl who sells fat free yogurth. The guy who brings the post, probably a pervert. The old ladys in pastel colors who sit on a fence. The young androgynous guys who smoke cigarettes all day long not knowing that it will rot their beautiful teeth. People who love me are judging me. Total strangers are judging me. Even the things which are not alive are judging. The old house with broken mirrors. The rode which I have walked more than a thousand times before. The sky which is never as clear as it used to be when we were children. Everyone and everything are judging me. They wish I could go away and never return. They wish I could just disappear.
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